I was a good liar as a kid. I always found it was easier to get forgiveness than permission. And growing up in a large family with a mom who ruled the house like a drill sergeant, I had plenty of opportunities to get my way without asking for permission.
But I always knew those little white lies were just that – lies. I was never one to believe my own stories.
Or so I thought.
It wasn’t until my life came crashing down around me just after my 50th birthday that I realized what a really good liar I was.
But the only person I was lying to was me, and I was the only person listening to and believing my lies.
I know that probably doesn’t make any sense to you just yet.
It wasn’t the same kind of lies I told as a kid. I wasn’t staying out late and claiming I had a flat tire.
In fact, I was scrupulously following the rules of my life. Trying to be the perfect wife… The best mom on the PTA… The ideal little corporate warrior.
But it was in that determination to have it all – to be superwoman – when the lying began.
I told myself I could have it all. I told myself I just had to try harder. I told myself that it was my fault if the house wasn’t perfect. I let myself believe that if the kids didn’t have straight A’s while being the star soccer player, it was my job to make it happen.
I told myself that I COULD get it right the next time. That I COULD eliminate all possibility of failure if I just became more vigilant.
At first, I just mentally berated myself if I didn’t live up to my sense of perfect that I had created in my head. But over time, as I started believing my lie more and more, I started doubling down on my strategy – investing even more time and energy into make my lie a reality.
It wasn’t until several years after my divorce that I was willing to look at my part in the breakdown.
That’s when I woke up to my lie. That’s when I realized that..
The only person who expected me to be perfect was… me!
And the only person I was trying to satisfy was… me!
And the only person who was beating me up for failing was …. me!
I was creating an impossible standard, just so I could fail and beat myself up!
I had set up a standard that was impossible to meet, and then flogging myself for not meeting it!
Who in their right mind what do such a thing?!
What a total mind F#$@ !
And now I got curious!
And curiosity is one of the key components to Rebooting your Brain, by the way!
So now I want to know why I was doing that to myself! There had to be a “WHY”…
and I found it .. hidden in plain sight, of course .
As it turns out, I had a raging case of the yet under-reported epidemic, “I’m not good enough” mental virus.
My “I’m not good enough” virus was silently programming me to create impossible situations that caused me to feel like a failure just so it could say “See! I told you that you’re not good enough”.
Wow! Brain Burst!
Suddenly my dull headache, which had been with me for years turning into a raging, monstrous headache.
My mental virus was fighting back. It did NOT want to let go!
So what’s a girl to do next?
I tried all the normal tricks.. I tried reprogramming it. I tried releasing it.. I tried all my Reboot Your Brain strategies to get that sucker to break loose. But none of them were working. It just dug in its heels, feeding off my attempts, growing stronger with its resistance.
So I had to bring out the big guns. The 1 secret weapon up my sleeve that I’ve used to bust up other tough talking mental viruses..
Yep – Loving Kindness is my badass, napalm-wielding secret weapon for tough acting beliefs that won’t listen to reason.
One good meditation session full of Loving Kindness and I could start to feel it melt. Another session in the evening and that headache that’s been part of my life for as long as I can remember is gone for good.
You have to direct the Loving Kindness directly at the Limiting Belief. You have to love it, understand it, appreciate it, respect it and even find gratitude for how it served you.
And trust me – it is serving you. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.
What I learned from “I’m not good enough” is Determination.
I was DETERMINED to prove myself. And I spent years lying and trying.
And as a result, I have a strong work ethic, I have great kids, I created a successful business.
And now, I’m ready to let that lie go. I am good enough.
And I don’t need any of those things to prove it to myself.
And that’s the ultimate breakthrough!